That's what I tell myself

The sun is out and it's so bright, I feel the warmth threw the window. I wonder what the day will bring. I know the things I want to do will not be the things that get done. But I don't mind. That's what I tell myself. Over and over again I tell myself lil lies to keep me going, to keep my head just above the water line. I could easily make a list twice as long as I am tall. These lil lies keep a fire burning in me to keep me warm and some what alive. I say some what because there is a void in me that grows so cold, a feeling like something is missing. Maybe just a part of me or maybe even more.

I am a nosey girl, anyone who knows might now that lil fact. That I will dig until I find every little detail out. It's like picking at a scab, you know that if you leave it alone it will heal just fine, but I can't help the fact that knowing it will hurt like hell I will pick at just because I need to know what's lies just under the surface.

I have found things out, the truth of some things. And do I go blurting them out and ask why? NOPE! Like a dumb ass I play coy and act like nothings changed. But everything has, inside of me. Lil lies I tell myself that I don't mind, it's just pretend. Cause so very long ago I was taught that if you confront you will lose, my happy lil house of cards will come crashing down. The void in me screams echoing off the wall to scream I know the truth...just please tell me why. I don't, I fear the answer is something I know I won't like. So lets pretend I know nothing and act like everything is fine.

For all my truth seeking and digging to find it all out I am a vault now. Nothing gets out, not one lil thing. 10 years ago this wasn't so. I would hold the truth, lay in wait to use it to get me what I wanted, to twist and crush a person to my whim. I was a master at breaking people finding that one weakness to bring them to their knees and the only person able to help them up would be me. For all that was wroth I had nothing, no one, Keeping everyone at arms length, couldn't let anyone in my house of cards for if I did they'd in turn find my weakest point and pull it out from under me.

Then I fell in love with someone I thought I never would. The wrong person, but for all the wrong that there was I wouldn't change a thing. It taught me some good lessons and some bad. It gave me things I never thought that I wanted. It changed me in the long run, should me how much of a bitch I was, how much of a bad person I was. So now instead of using what I find I keep it all under lock and key...never telling a soul, play dumb. I keep up walls to keep myself safe. I know truth it hurts like hell most days but  I pretend I don't know, they won't see me cry. Pretend that everything is just as it was before I went digging cause I enjoy the lil lies that people weave to keep me whole as they think I should be.