please don't tell.

Well here I sit drinking my morning coffee lost in thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Wondering how I got stuck. The mud that I'm in is up to my knees. I made this mess. Me, myself and I gathered the water and brought it to the dirt I had been rolling around in. And no matter how many buckets I got to try and get clean it was never enough. Before I knew it I was knee deep in mud. You see the water is everything that I thought I was doing to make things right, to get my life back on track and all it ever was, was just fucking lip service. For everyone, my family, my friends, and myself included. I see the things that I have done wrong, I see the things that I do wrong everyday. I see myself in the moment doing them knowing that they are all wrong and that I shouldn't be doing them. But I go and do them anyway.

Half the day has now gone by and here I sit sipping tea lost. In all the mud and muck I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I was meant to be. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch. I lose my temper so fast these days. I have thoughts so vivid that I can more then see them I feel them.

Here I am rambling on ....just like the title of my page says. I can't keep the thoughts from jumping from one to the next. I started writing this thinking about one thing and here I sit thinking about something totally different. HA!

Maybe I am just totally fucked up 7 ways to Sunday. Right now I feel like I am drowning in the nothing of my life. That being said there are things in my life, in this moment that I would fight to the death to keep. I wouldn't be who I am without them, they are my air. So when I have thoughts of running, of wanting it to all stop, to just be selfish (more then what I think I already am) the guilt hits my like a goddamn title wave and if fucking hurts. No one knew (until now) that almost every night I lay awake staring at the ceiling threw tears picking apart who I am compared to who I think I should be. Every night I vow that in the morning I am going to start and do the things I promise myself every night. And so here it is I am a liar, to only one person...myself.