That's what I tell myself

The sun is out and it's so bright, I feel the warmth threw the window. I wonder what the day will bring. I know the things I want to do will not be the things that get done. But I don't mind. That's what I tell myself. Over and over again I tell myself lil lies to keep me going, to keep my head just above the water line. I could easily make a list twice as long as I am tall. These lil lies keep a fire burning in me to keep me warm and some what alive. I say some what because there is a void in me that grows so cold, a feeling like something is missing. Maybe just a part of me or maybe even more.

I am a nosey girl, anyone who knows might now that lil fact. That I will dig until I find every little detail out. It's like picking at a scab, you know that if you leave it alone it will heal just fine, but I can't help the fact that knowing it will hurt like hell I will pick at just because I need to know what's lies just under the surface.

I have found things out, the truth of some things. And do I go blurting them out and ask why? NOPE! Like a dumb ass I play coy and act like nothings changed. But everything has, inside of me. Lil lies I tell myself that I don't mind, it's just pretend. Cause so very long ago I was taught that if you confront you will lose, my happy lil house of cards will come crashing down. The void in me screams echoing off the wall to scream I know the truth...just please tell me why. I don't, I fear the answer is something I know I won't like. So lets pretend I know nothing and act like everything is fine.

For all my truth seeking and digging to find it all out I am a vault now. Nothing gets out, not one lil thing. 10 years ago this wasn't so. I would hold the truth, lay in wait to use it to get me what I wanted, to twist and crush a person to my whim. I was a master at breaking people finding that one weakness to bring them to their knees and the only person able to help them up would be me. For all that was wroth I had nothing, no one, Keeping everyone at arms length, couldn't let anyone in my house of cards for if I did they'd in turn find my weakest point and pull it out from under me.

Then I fell in love with someone I thought I never would. The wrong person, but for all the wrong that there was I wouldn't change a thing. It taught me some good lessons and some bad. It gave me things I never thought that I wanted. It changed me in the long run, should me how much of a bitch I was, how much of a bad person I was. So now instead of using what I find I keep it all under lock and key...never telling a soul, play dumb. I keep up walls to keep myself safe. I know truth it hurts like hell most days but  I pretend I don't know, they won't see me cry. Pretend that everything is just as it was before I went digging cause I enjoy the lil lies that people weave to keep me whole as they think I should be.

please don't tell.

Well here I sit drinking my morning coffee lost in thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Wondering how I got stuck. The mud that I'm in is up to my knees. I made this mess. Me, myself and I gathered the water and brought it to the dirt I had been rolling around in. And no matter how many buckets I got to try and get clean it was never enough. Before I knew it I was knee deep in mud. You see the water is everything that I thought I was doing to make things right, to get my life back on track and all it ever was, was just fucking lip service. For everyone, my family, my friends, and myself included. I see the things that I have done wrong, I see the things that I do wrong everyday. I see myself in the moment doing them knowing that they are all wrong and that I shouldn't be doing them. But I go and do them anyway.

Half the day has now gone by and here I sit sipping tea lost. In all the mud and muck I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I was meant to be. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch. I lose my temper so fast these days. I have thoughts so vivid that I can more then see them I feel them.

Here I am rambling on ....just like the title of my page says. I can't keep the thoughts from jumping from one to the next. I started writing this thinking about one thing and here I sit thinking about something totally different. HA!

Maybe I am just totally fucked up 7 ways to Sunday. Right now I feel like I am drowning in the nothing of my life. That being said there are things in my life, in this moment that I would fight to the death to keep. I wouldn't be who I am without them, they are my air. So when I have thoughts of running, of wanting it to all stop, to just be selfish (more then what I think I already am) the guilt hits my like a goddamn title wave and if fucking hurts. No one knew (until now) that almost every night I lay awake staring at the ceiling threw tears picking apart who I am compared to who I think I should be. Every night I vow that in the morning I am going to start and do the things I promise myself every night. And so here it is I am a liar, to only one person...myself.

Prize

You broke me.
Bent me to your will
left weak by the promise of your lies.
Rip my heart out to throw down and
crush as you walk by out the door.
You thought you won.
Fuck you!
Freedom my prize.

breathe

it starts
a dull throbbing ache
as the moments pass
another piece falls away
I can't breathe it hurts so much
Tears, a river down my face.
longing to go back
to find the crack, the mis-step, the tear that
ripped me, us to shreds.
it's an itch just out of reach.
I want to fix it all
time has sped up and gone by
so fast
to much

letters

Thousands words
make up all the letters I've wrote you.
Each one never saying what I want said.
Just doesn't come out right.
For years I was the bigger person- Trying to make it work.
Reaching the breaking point
I broke
I crumbled
I fell down
To protect what I hold most dear
I put up a wall
I shoved, pushed, and ran for cover.
The road so long
I'm tired I just want to sleep
have it all go away.
But thoughts poke, slap, scream and bang on drums
sitting me up
shaking me
"NO-fix it, you are not the only heart at risk.
Yes the pain will be yours and yours alone
it's your pride that must be swallowed whole."
I nod to them, to myself-
I know it's true.
The lump in my throat stops the words dead on my lips.
So I write thousands of words
in letters
you haven't seen
to never understand

Seams

An empty shell
lifeless on the floor
Glassed over eyes
a gaping hole where the heart
once pumped.
Crawling
searching for every piece.
covered in blood so old
it's turned black.
smeared across my face
dripping from my fingers.
Found all but a few.
The seamstress in me sets to work.
Make it one to beat again.
Every artist leaves a piece of them in their work
a piece of me I leave in you.
Returning heart,
a few more stitches to it hold
the blood has dried stained and cracked
hoping, praying it's not to late.
it works-
a sigh of relief for just a thump-thump
looking
seeing
for all the work
still
fingers drip
face smeared
glassed over eyes
lifeless on the floor
just an empty shell.

On a side note...

I know that this all seems like whining...that it's just one women bitching to the world about how bad her little stupid life. I know that out there in the world their are people that have it so much worse then me. I don't want to come off as a weak and whinny little bitch but I have my moments of weakness (everyone does) if you say you don't then you my friend are full of shit. I just have so many thoughts running threw my head during the day that I need to get them out by putting them down and a very dear friend read some of my work and thought that I should put it out here for the world to see. It took me some time but here I am. If you don't want to hear my whine, her me bitch, or once in a while see some good times threw my eyes then just click the big X in the upper right corner, the back page button in the upper left or just put in a new address in the pretty lil address bar. If you stay I thank you for taking the time to read...

Confused

Confused
she is.
A life of hurt
not understood.
she knows
it could
be worse
but she has the
right to feel
the pain
and
have it
hurt.

lil thoughts (wrote November 2008)

Always the other
never the one.
Cheated on
never good
enough
to have it all and not fuck it up.
Stupid feelings
sorry for myself
a waste of time.

*********************************************

Sleeping Beauty
had her kiss.
Cinderella
had her shoe.
I am no princess
and there is no
prince.

*********************************************

Walking around this house
late at night and alone
Everywhere I look reminded
of you and the life we shared
the bedroom a tomb.
clothes hang nicely on hangers
shirts folded in drawers
the same as the day you left.
I want it gone
get you out of my mind
my heart.
Rip it up
throw it out
Burn it down
Your control
no longer holds me here.

I know...

Oh, whoa

Be careful making wishes in the dark, dark
Can't be sure when they've hit their mark, mark
And besides in the mean, mean time
I'm just dreaming of tearing you apart

I'm in the details with the devil
So now the world can never get me on my level
I just gotta get you out of the cage
I'm a young lover's rage
Gonna need a spark to ignite
I know what you did in the dark

So light 'em up,
Light 'em up, up, up
I'm on fire

In the dark

All the writers keep writing what they write
Somewhere another pretty vein just died
I've got the scars from tomorrow and I wish you could see
That you’re the antidote to everything except for me

A constellation of tears on your lashes
Burn everything you love, then burn the ashes
In the end everything collides
My childhood spat back out the monster that you see

I know what you did in the dark

I'm on fire

In the dark

 

These words are not mine, but from the song "my song's know what you did in the dark"(light'em up). This song spoke to me on so many levels that I just had to tweak it just a bit to fit my point of view. 

vanish

The dark abyss of nothing
fate wrapping around me
it's freezing embrace
fear sets in you loving eyes
the river of tears glinting down your cheeks
soaking your heart
reaching for you
I cup your face
kissing each eye dry
one last lingering kiss
on your lips
this sacrifice I gladly make
to keep you whole
pushing you away
as I am pulled
to vanish in the the dark.

clock

Time was off again
distance it's partner in crime
tick tock tick tock
it begins
just a bit to soon
a tad late
time pulled me
distance shoved you
here there
no in between
life's clock moves
us forward to lead
lives we had no say
in choosing

caught

Your cover is blown
thought you were safe,snug, and comforted
in your beautiful lie.
Burning with anger
you freeze with fear
stuttering and stammering
to deny what you said
Smiling and laughing
as I watch you squirm and twitch
Begging and pleading for
that 2nd chance.
Screaming that you'd die
without me by your side
as I pick up this last shattered
piece of an already
Broken heart
a single tear shimmers
down my cheek
A grin crosses my lips
fitting...
as you weave unbelievable
lies.

equal

You'll be you
I'll be me
within us each
the other completes
change not needed
just an understanding
an acceptance
you breathe out
I breathe in
as my eyes close
yours flutter open
neither leads
no on to follow
moving as one
two equal halves
my thoughts you feel
your emotions I speak
a yin to a yang
a balance indeed

Ride

I'm broken
I'm defeated
So frustrated
Wrapped up in you
I always seem to be
ups and downs
the
highs and
                      lows
swirling and twirling
dizzy
you spin me round
head over heels
I seem to go
Down is up
up is Down
I'm falling
I'm flying
when will this ride end?
Round and round
we go
when will it stop?
No one knows?

But the questions remains ...
Do I even want it to