Been off hiding in my mind. haha not the best place for this chick to be. Tearing apart thought after thought, picking my own brain for answers to questions I haven't asked. I get so lost in what I think, how I feel, and what it really should all mean. It really is a pain in the ass, before I know it half my day has been wasted on nothingness.
The last 4 days have been totally hell. I have taken something small and blown up in my mind like I always do. But then again I didn't act like I always do. I didn't find myself weeping tears like a river. I haven't spoke one word to anyone. This is the first I have really "said" anything about what's gone on. I find myself staring at my phone willing it to ring, to have it spew the answers I seem to need. I have held my phone in my hand typing messages that I delete and never send. I think I am being strong or am I just fooling myself? I miss my friend, the banter back and forth. But then I find myself wondering if it really was a friendship. As I find myself looking and thinking back I found that if I started to complain about my life there was nothing. So I always said things were fine even thou in my lil world and fucked up mind that was the furthest thing from the truth. I know the half my bullshit is my own doing and I work everyday to try and fix it just to repeat the same damn circles. But still I find myself missing someone that I really have no right in missing.
I walk on eggshells wondering if I will set someone off on bitching spell of things I have done wrong, fucked up, or said way too much about. I find myself thinking that I am helping when actually all I am doing is making things worse.( that's not what I wanted to do.) I miss my family...the way things used to be...but those days are long gone. Bridges burned and charred and the distance between the sides so gaping that there seems to be no way of rebuilding. So instead lies are spread and assumptions are made cause my lips stayed locked across the room. I think that it's keeping the peace. I think the truth of the matter is it's burning what's already charred and the gaping hole bigger and the other side just that much further out of reach. I hate this, I hate that it's all come down to this that I am typing my feelings on a fucking computer instead of using my big mouth to say what I am really want. I am tired of it all the fighting, the silence, the jumping of conclusions.
