Lies we tell ourselves

Lies we tell ourselves
Pile up one by one.
We all at some point say "Fuck'em", "I don't care what anyone thinks!"
But deep down we do, I do.
We try to figure it out when no ones looking.
In the dark of our night
Behind tightly locked doors.
Taring ourselves apart
The needing to know- driving us slowly insane.
'Cause no one knows the truth behind
another's story.
That's true for everyone.
The truth in all this
Everyone has a story,
a sorrow,
a hope,
a pain,
 a dream.
No one says it all out loud
Their fear of judgment gluing their mouth shut
cause deep down they are scared of what people will think and say.
Yet they turn around knowing that feeling of Judgement
and still pass it on like a plague.
I've been on both sides, I'm guilty
and here I sit wondering why the fuck do I care
what they think...Haha
I'll tell you why-
Because I'm human, I have a heart, I want everyone to get a long.
I don't want to judge anyone anymore and I dont' want to be judge.

missing

Been off hiding in my mind. haha not the best place for this chick to be. Tearing apart thought after thought, picking my own brain for answers to questions I haven't asked. I get so lost in what I think, how I feel, and what it really should all mean. It really is a pain in the ass, before I know it half my day has been wasted on nothingness.

The last 4 days have been totally hell. I have taken something small and blown up in my mind like I always do. But then again I didn't act like I always do. I didn't find myself weeping tears like a river. I haven't spoke one word to anyone. This is the first I have really "said" anything about what's gone on. I find myself staring at my phone willing it to ring, to have it spew the answers I seem to need. I have held my phone in my hand typing messages that I delete and never send. I think I am being strong or am I just fooling myself? I miss my friend, the banter back and forth. But then I find myself wondering if it really was a friendship. As I find myself looking and thinking back I found that if I started to complain about my life there was nothing. So I always said things were fine even thou in my lil world and fucked up mind that was the furthest thing from the truth. I know the half my bullshit is my own doing and I work everyday to try and fix it just to repeat the same damn circles. But still I find myself missing someone that I really have no right in missing.

I walk on eggshells wondering if I will set someone off on bitching spell of things I have done wrong, fucked up, or said way too much about. I find myself thinking that I am helping when actually all I am doing is making things worse.( that's not what I wanted to do.) I miss my family...the way things used to be...but those days are long gone. Bridges burned and charred and the distance between the sides so gaping that there seems to be no way of rebuilding. So instead lies are spread and assumptions are made cause my lips stayed locked across the room. I think that it's keeping the peace. I think the truth of the matter is it's burning what's already charred and the gaping hole bigger and the other side just that much further out of reach. I hate this, I hate that it's all come down to this that I am typing my feelings on a fucking computer instead of using my big mouth to say what I am really want. I am tired of it all the fighting, the silence, the jumping of conclusions.

That's what I tell myself

The sun is out and it's so bright, I feel the warmth threw the window. I wonder what the day will bring. I know the things I want to do will not be the things that get done. But I don't mind. That's what I tell myself. Over and over again I tell myself lil lies to keep me going, to keep my head just above the water line. I could easily make a list twice as long as I am tall. These lil lies keep a fire burning in me to keep me warm and some what alive. I say some what because there is a void in me that grows so cold, a feeling like something is missing. Maybe just a part of me or maybe even more.

I am a nosey girl, anyone who knows might now that lil fact. That I will dig until I find every little detail out. It's like picking at a scab, you know that if you leave it alone it will heal just fine, but I can't help the fact that knowing it will hurt like hell I will pick at just because I need to know what's lies just under the surface.

I have found things out, the truth of some things. And do I go blurting them out and ask why? NOPE! Like a dumb ass I play coy and act like nothings changed. But everything has, inside of me. Lil lies I tell myself that I don't mind, it's just pretend. Cause so very long ago I was taught that if you confront you will lose, my happy lil house of cards will come crashing down. The void in me screams echoing off the wall to scream I know the truth...just please tell me why. I don't, I fear the answer is something I know I won't like. So lets pretend I know nothing and act like everything is fine.

For all my truth seeking and digging to find it all out I am a vault now. Nothing gets out, not one lil thing. 10 years ago this wasn't so. I would hold the truth, lay in wait to use it to get me what I wanted, to twist and crush a person to my whim. I was a master at breaking people finding that one weakness to bring them to their knees and the only person able to help them up would be me. For all that was wroth I had nothing, no one, Keeping everyone at arms length, couldn't let anyone in my house of cards for if I did they'd in turn find my weakest point and pull it out from under me.

Then I fell in love with someone I thought I never would. The wrong person, but for all the wrong that there was I wouldn't change a thing. It taught me some good lessons and some bad. It gave me things I never thought that I wanted. It changed me in the long run, should me how much of a bitch I was, how much of a bad person I was. So now instead of using what I find I keep it all under lock and key...never telling a soul, play dumb. I keep up walls to keep myself safe. I know truth it hurts like hell most days but  I pretend I don't know, they won't see me cry. Pretend that everything is just as it was before I went digging cause I enjoy the lil lies that people weave to keep me whole as they think I should be.

please don't tell.

Well here I sit drinking my morning coffee lost in thoughts I shouldn't be thinking. Wondering how I got stuck. The mud that I'm in is up to my knees. I made this mess. Me, myself and I gathered the water and brought it to the dirt I had been rolling around in. And no matter how many buckets I got to try and get clean it was never enough. Before I knew it I was knee deep in mud. You see the water is everything that I thought I was doing to make things right, to get my life back on track and all it ever was, was just fucking lip service. For everyone, my family, my friends, and myself included. I see the things that I have done wrong, I see the things that I do wrong everyday. I see myself in the moment doing them knowing that they are all wrong and that I shouldn't be doing them. But I go and do them anyway.

Half the day has now gone by and here I sit sipping tea lost. In all the mud and muck I lost who I was, who I wanted to be, who I thought I was meant to be. Whine, whine, bitch, bitch. I lose my temper so fast these days. I have thoughts so vivid that I can more then see them I feel them.

Here I am rambling on ....just like the title of my page says. I can't keep the thoughts from jumping from one to the next. I started writing this thinking about one thing and here I sit thinking about something totally different. HA!

Maybe I am just totally fucked up 7 ways to Sunday. Right now I feel like I am drowning in the nothing of my life. That being said there are things in my life, in this moment that I would fight to the death to keep. I wouldn't be who I am without them, they are my air. So when I have thoughts of running, of wanting it to all stop, to just be selfish (more then what I think I already am) the guilt hits my like a goddamn title wave and if fucking hurts. No one knew (until now) that almost every night I lay awake staring at the ceiling threw tears picking apart who I am compared to who I think I should be. Every night I vow that in the morning I am going to start and do the things I promise myself every night. And so here it is I am a liar, to only one person...myself.

Prize

You broke me.
Bent me to your will
left weak by the promise of your lies.
Rip my heart out to throw down and
crush as you walk by out the door.
You thought you won.
Fuck you!
Freedom my prize.

breathe

it starts
a dull throbbing ache
as the moments pass
another piece falls away
I can't breathe it hurts so much
Tears, a river down my face.
longing to go back
to find the crack, the mis-step, the tear that
ripped me, us to shreds.
it's an itch just out of reach.
I want to fix it all
time has sped up and gone by
so fast
to much

letters

Thousands words
make up all the letters I've wrote you.
Each one never saying what I want said.
Just doesn't come out right.
For years I was the bigger person- Trying to make it work.
Reaching the breaking point
I broke
I crumbled
I fell down
To protect what I hold most dear
I put up a wall
I shoved, pushed, and ran for cover.
The road so long
I'm tired I just want to sleep
have it all go away.
But thoughts poke, slap, scream and bang on drums
sitting me up
shaking me
"NO-fix it, you are not the only heart at risk.
Yes the pain will be yours and yours alone
it's your pride that must be swallowed whole."
I nod to them, to myself-
I know it's true.
The lump in my throat stops the words dead on my lips.
So I write thousands of words
in letters
you haven't seen
to never understand